Fly the Friendly Skies

A new plan by the Department of Homeland Security for ensuring safe airline travel is being discussed at high levels. This plan has two components: First, no carry on luggage, no carry on anything; second, flying naked.

That's right, in the buff, sans clothes, totally nude, not even shoes...especially no shoes. Remember the Richard Reid, the would be "shoe bomber."

Here's how it would work. When you arrive at the airport you will check your luggage, if any, including wallets, purses, anything that you would normally have been allowed to carry on to the airplane. That would even include watches, rings, necklaces, earrings, all things carried by hand or on your person. That way, no female suicide bomber could, say, wear a big bauble-type necklace that is actually disguised plastic explosives. No male suicide bomber could wear an expensive looking watch that could morph into a deadly stiletto-type knife.

After checking all items you would proceed to the boarding gate area where you would disrobe. After being run through another x-ray machine,your clothes would be sealed into a plastic bag and an identification sticker would be placed on it before being stowed in a special compartment on the plane. (The boarding attendants would use one of those "Space Bag" gizmos to suck out all the air so every one's clothing bags could be stored in an amazingly small space of only 27 cubic feet. Now you see why watches must be separated from the clothing. If terrorists figure out how to make clothing from explosives, a fake watch could be used to detonate them.)

I know that this seems like an extreme, possibly unnecessary measure, but your security is our nation's number one priority. I mean, what's a little nudity compared to the risk of being blown up in the sky, right? Besides, the human body has changed little over the last 100,000 years or so. There shouldn't be any surprises as to anatomy, so what's the big deal. And, you will finally see, in no uncertain terms, that few--extremely few--people meet up to the standards of physical fitness that inundated us through the TV, magazines, and movies. You should feel pretty good about that. (Airline crew members will be fully clothes as always, of course.)

Upon arriving at your destination and deboarding the plane, you will be given your bag of clothing, to be put on in the boarding pass area, as other travelers are undressing in preparation for their flights. Now, the only thing to really worry about is whether all your luggage and personal items actually were put on the same plane as you or not. But we're working on that. Besides, what's a few hundred, or thousands, of dollars of luggage and personal items compared to knowing that finally you can fly in safety and not have to worry about terrorists targeting your flight.

By the way, did I happen to mention that there will also be a body cavity search for hidden explosives that a terrorist might . . . .