THE GOD SNOT THEORY OF LIFE

One day God was out walking in the void. He was experimenting with a new idea He had: light. It's rather dark in the void so God decided to make light.

First, He put it below Him. But He didn't like that effect. Oh, it would have been good for a scary monster effect...but at the time there were no scary monsters, or people, so He moved the light behind Him. He didn't like that either. It cast His shadow out in front of Him...and God has a very big shadow. Then He moved it to His right side, but wasn't happy with the results. A light always shining on the right side of Him was rather irritating. He didn't move it to the left side. He figured He wouldn't like it any better there than He had on the right side. Next, He moved the light in front of Him. But then it shone right into His eyes. That wouldn't do. Finally, He moved the light above Him. Ah! Now that was good. He could see all around in the void without shadows, or light in His eyes, or constantly on one side or the other. He liked it above, so He left it there.

As God was standing there looking up, He got a strange sensation in His nose. You know how, sometimes, it makes you want to sneeze when you look up at a bright light, or into the bright sky? Well, that is what happened to God...and God had never sneezed before, or He would have done something about it.

In any case, God sneezed. Oh my, what a sneeze that was! Billions and billions of tiny God-particles of mucus, moisture, and who knows what else went flying out into the void. Each particle contained a bit of God's DNA, of course. God's sneeze also shattered the light into billions and billions of tiny pieces. They, too, went spinning out into the void. God saw all the tiny points of lights in the void and thought it was very pretty and that it was good. He called it cosmos (God only spoke Greek in those days). God then turned around and walked back to his house (yes, the house of God) and went inside, closing the door behind Him. He went to contemplate some more, maybe come up with a new idea, like He had with light.

In the meantime, all the billions and billions of particles were now frozen balls of stuff...because the void is very cold...which, of course, doesn't bother God in the least. But slowly, over time (and one day of God's time is one-hundred million of our years), the bits of shattered light, which were bigger and heavier than the bits of God snot, attracted various bits of the God snot to themselves, which, due to gravity (another one of God's unique ideas) began orbiting the bits of light and, thus, solar systems came into being. The bits of God snot that were too close to the bits of light either vaporized or dried out. The ones too far away remained balls of ice. But the ones, like our Earth, that were at just the right distance from its bit of light, were neither too hot nor too cold. And God’s DNA, embedded in the God-Snot, began to grow, divide, and evolve. The rest is history.